Understanding IFS Therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an evidence-based therapy that understands the human mind as being naturally made up of different parts or “subpersonalities”. These parts of us develop to help us navigate life, protect us from pain, and help us survive difficult experiences.
Do you have a part of yourself that can be critical, anxious, perfectionistic, people-pleasing, angry, numb, or avoidant? Or a part of you that carries old hurts, loneliness, fear, or shame? IFS assumes that none of these parts are bad. Even the parts of our minds that create problems today often developed in the past for good reasons.
The goal of parts work is not to get rid of parts of yourself. We learn to understand them, build relationships with them, and help them find new roles that better serve your life today.
What is IFS?
IFS can be helpful for a wide range of experiences, including:
- Complex trauma and developmental trauma
- Anxiety and chronic worry
- Depression
- Shame and self-criticism
- People-pleasing
- Perfectionism
- Relationship difficulties
- Emotional overwhelm
- Dissociation and numbness
- Inner conflict and indecision
- Identity exploration
- Grief and loss
IFS is helpful for people who find themselves saying:
- “Part of me wants to…”
- “I know this doesn’t make sense, but…”
- “I keep doing the opposite of what I want.”
- “I feel stuck.”
How IFS understands parts:
IFS describes a few broad categories of parts. Don’t worry too much about these labels, you never have to memorize them.
Managers
Manager parts try to keep life under control.
They often show up as perfectionism, overthinking, people-pleasing, self-criticism, productivity, or hypervigilance. Their job is to prevent pain before it happens!
Firefighters
Firefighters jump in when emotions become overwhelming.
They may use distraction, avoidance, numbing, anger, impulsive behavior, overworking, scrolling, substance use, or other strategies to help you escape distress.
Exiles
Exiles carry vulnerable emotions and experiences that have been pushed away because they felt too painful, overwhelming, or unacceptable.
These parts often hold loneliness, fear, grief, shame, rejection, or unmet needs.
The Self
All of our parts make up our Self, but even when all of our parts take a step back, our Self is still there.
IFS understands Self as a naturally calm, curious, compassionate, and connected state of being. When Self is present, we can approach our inner experiences with understanding rather than judgment.
Healing happens not because one part defeats another, but because your Self develops trusting relationships with all parts of your system. Rather than fighting yourself, you begin learning how to lead yourself.
What IFS therapy feels like:
IFS therapy is often gentler than people expect.
Rather than analyzing your problems or challenging your thoughts, we become curious about the different parts of you that show up around a difficulty.
For example:
- The anxious part that worries constantly
- The perfectionistic part that never feels satisfied
- The people-pleasing part that struggles to say no
- The part that wants to hide
- The part that feels angry
- The part that feels hurt
Together, we explore these experiences with curiosity and compassion rather than trying to force them to change.
Many clients find this approach surprisingly relieving because it helps them move away from self-judgment and toward self-understanding.
How IFS works:
Most parts are not trying to cause problems, they are trying to protect you. The challenge is that many parts of you developed their roles years ago and continue using the same strategies even when circumstances have changed.
A perfectionistic part may still believe that mistakes are dangerous, a people-pleasing part may still believe that all conflict leads to rejection, or an anxious part may still believe that constant vigilance is necessary for survival.
IFS therapy helps these parts update their understanding of your life so they no longer have to work so hard, and does some real, deep trauma healing along the way (often with vivid images popping into your head)! As your protective parts relax, deeper healing becomes possible.
My approach to IFS:
I use IFS-informed parts work in a way that is trauma-informed, collaborative, and grounded in nervous system awareness.
This includes:
- Moving at a pace that feels safe
- Respecting protective parts rather than fighting them
- Integrating somatic awareness and body-based practices
- Supporting attachment healing and self-compassion
- Helping you develop greater access to Self-energy
- Creating space for spirituality, meaning, and personal values when these are important to you
What change can look like:
People often begin IFS therapy feeling:
- Stuck in recurring patterns
- At war with themselves
- Dominated by anxiety or self-criticism
- Disconnected from their emotions
- Confused about what they truly want
- Exhausted from constantly managing themselves
Over time, many notice:
- Greater self-compassion
- Less inner conflict
- Reduced shame and self-criticism
- More emotional balance
- Increased confidence in decision-making
- Stronger relationships with themselves and others
- A deeper sense of authenticity and inner peace
Is IFS right for me?
IFS may be a good fit if:
- You struggle with self-criticism or shame
- You feel pulled in different directions internally
- You understand your patterns but still feel stuck
- You want a therapy that is compassionate rather than pathologizing
- You are interested in understanding yourself more deeply
You do not need to believe that you literally have “parts” to benefit from this work. Many people simply find it to be a helpful way of understanding the different experiences, emotions, and motivations that exist within all of us.
Is this a therapy for DID?
Not really, no.
I have experience working with multiplicity and plural systems, sometimes known as Dissociative Identities (DID) or OSDD (“other or unspecified dissociative disorders”).
IFS may or may not be a good fit for all systems. It’s totally your choice. Some systems find it really helpful to have support building better understanding and communication between alters, others might not like IFS’s idea of “self energy”. Perhaps, one alter is interested in doing IFS to access their own self energy, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that the rest of the system is even involved in the session!
It’s your choice if IFS works for your system, or if another form of therapy would be best.
Getting started.
You don’t need to have your inner world figured out before beginning therapy.
IFS offers a way to approach yourself with curiosity instead of judgment and compassion instead of criticism.
If you’re tired of fighting yourself and ready to build a different relationship with your inner world, I’d be honored to support you.
You do not need a diagnosis to access trauma therapy.
I use a non-pathologizing kind of therapy model that does not require diagnostics. Of course, any diagnosis you have received, agree with, and/or suspect is important to incorporate. Still, this work is open to everyone regardless.
• How EMDR therapy works •
The basics of what to expect.
1. Free Consult
A 20-minute video call. We talk about who you are, what you’re looking for, and answer your questions.
2. Intake
A full session to map your history, current life, therapy goals, and what safety looks like for you.
3. Modules
Weekly or biweekly sessions following your unique treatment plan: IFS, EMDR, somatics, and skills.
4. Reassess
We check in regularly about how your life is changing, and modify direction and pace to get you great results.
Resources and Tools.
Whether we’re doing IFS-informed therapy together or not, you may find these resources and tools valuable.
This series of articles introduces the core ideas of IFS with simple summaries and guides. Learn more about IFS concepts like unblending, grounding, burdens, and more.
Internationally recognized clinical psychologist, EMDR expert, and author Laurel Parnell, PhD demonstrates a simple bilateral tapping technique to calm yourself down when you feel anxious.
A flow chart adapted from Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD, illustrating how the nervous system figures out what to do during a crisis. Your nervous system needs to make the choice between flee, fight, freeze, or collapse almost immediately.
Frequently asked questions.
I still don't get it, what is IFS?
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. It is a mindfulness-based therapy originally developed for behavioral concerns like self harm and eating disorders, which has since expanded to support people living with all kinds of self-protective behaviours and internal conflicts. If it’s the right fit for you, IFS can successfully calm your nervous system, build self compassion, and help you connect to your true self.
IFS is a practice that can be incorporated into other therapy models, or done as a whole session on its own. Like other practices (imagine: yoga, writing, exercise), IFS gets easier the more you do it, and benefits from consistent attention. This is why I like to use IFS as a stand-alone therapy module, as well as a ritual for beginning or ending sessions, and for reassessing treatment goals.
Are you an IFS Certified Therapist?
No, I am not currently certified by the IFS Institute. Due to the overwhelming demand for IFS trainings, official IFSI Level 1 trainings have lotteries and waitlists for entry. Instead of waiting years to bring this amazing modality to my clients, I decided to take a third-party IFS training (taught by IFS Certified Therapist Stacy Ruse) and do a three-month practicum in IFS therapy (supervised by IFS Certified Therapist Pragya Sharma).
In the IFS world, I would be known as an IFS-informed Therapist.
What is EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a trauma therapy originally developed for veterans, which has since expanded to support people living with all kinds of disturbances and traumatic life experiences. If it’s the right fit for you, EMDR can successfully transform depression, anxiety, phobias, nightmares, flashbacks, and all kinds of negative beliefs we hold about ourselves.
EMDR is a structured 8-phase treatment which is often best used in extended 75 minute sessions.
You can learn more about EMDR here.
What is somatics?
Somatic therapy is a generic term for any therapy that prioritizes the body: how it feels, moves, and responds to emotions. If it’s the right fit for you, somatic therapy can support you with chronic pain and chronic pain, as well as anxiety, depression, CPTSD, or trauma.
Somatic therapy is a practice that can be incorporated into other therapy models, and honestly makes most therapy work better. That’s why I always bring in somatic resourcing tools to the treatment plan as early as possible.
You can learn more about somatics here.
How do you integrate nature?
I am trained as a Certified Forest & Nature Therapy Guide. This means that, if it’s a good fit for you, I love to take walk-and-talk sessions on good weather days. Being outside in a quiet, green area is naturally supportive to human healing.
I also offer intensives and community events which lead you through quiet nature invitations. These are amazing for slowing down and quieting the mind and body, and they are also joyful, connective, and fun to experience with family and friends. If you are interested in a nature therapy intensive, let me know during your treatment planning, or email me anytime at milo@therapywithmilo.com
How do you integrate personal spirituality?
Spirituality is intensely personal, and always something that is client-led in my therapy sessions. Many trauma survivors, especially those who have experienced religious trauma or cult abuse, have a lot of protection up around the idea of spirituality in general, and that makes so much sense! Spirituality is never mandatory, and atheists are extremely welcome in my practice.
At the same time, many trauma survivors experience a lot of relief and transformation connecting to something “bigger” or something that can bring meaning to the pain that they have been through, and spiritual or cultural practices are one way this can be done.
Many of my clients identify as pagan, witches, astrologers, tarot readers, or mystics as part of their path toward reclaiming spiritual agency after a lifetime of abuse or neglect. Others connect to their cultural roots, folklore, ancestors, or spirits of the land. Still others dive deep into a large religious tradition like Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or Hinduism, whether or not it was the tradition they were raised in. I am trained in ways to utilize your personal spiritual beliefs as a powerful resource in your trauma healing, as well as support you in using them in session to make therapy more effective.
Feel free to ask me how we can adapt this practice to your needs.
How can you tell if it's CPTSD, BPD, OCD, autism, or ADHD?
Each of these has specific diagnostic criteria, but in my practice, I do not currently offer assessments for psychiatric conditions. That said, I have a lot of fluency in neurodivergence and trauma, and there are plenty of ways to make sure that the work we are doing is safe for the specific brain you have.
No one’s brain is one-size-fits-all, so the therapy we do together will always be adapted to your needs. If you already have a diagnosis you agree with, that it great, we will make sure to incorporate accommodations into the therapy work. If you aren’t sure exactly what your suspected neurodivergence might be, that’s okay too. There are lots of ways for us to test and experiment to make sure that the therapy we are doing together is creating the kind of results you are looking for.
Can I have trauma even if I wasn't physically abused?
Yes. Physical abuse is one experience that can sometimes be stored in the body as trauma. However, it is not the experience itself that defines whether or not something is traumatic: it’s the way that your body adapts to the shock of nervous system overwhelm.
A very incomplete list of things that can cause trauma:
- Serious accidents or injuries, or witnessing a serious accident or injury.
- Neglect, or being left alone for long periods of time as a child.
- Emotional neglect, growing up without emotional support, validation, or consistent care.
- Witnessing domestic violence or experiencing high-conflict relationships.
- Sudden or complicated losses.
- Bullying or ongoing harassment.
- Ongoing microaggressions, sexism, racism, homophobia, ableism, or transphobia.
- Serious illnesses, hospitalizations, or surgeries.
- Repeated exposure to violence or disturbing events through the media.
- Living in unstable or unsafe conditions; going without food, clothing, shelter.
How do I know if I'm dissociating?
Dissociation our brain learns how to do in response to overwhelming stress, trauma, or emotional overload. Your mind creates distance from an experience that feels too intense, threatening, or difficult to process in the moment. Sometimes, though, people notice that the dissociation starts to happen more frequently, even when life feels safe, being triggered by things you might not classify as “objectively overwhelming”. It can be frustrating!
It looks different from person to person, but it’s generally characterized by your brain involuntarily creating distance from your emotions, body, memories, surroundings, or sense of self. This can look like numbing out, losing track of time, or finding it difficult to remember parts of your day. In more extreme cases, it can feel like you’re watching yourself from outside your body or experiencing the world as foggy, dreamlike, distant, or unreal for long periods of time.
Often, it can show up in relationships: struggling to stay present when discussing difficult topics, or even spacing out during what could be positive interactions like cuddling, hugs, or sex!
If you think you dissociate, definitely let me know, because it will probably happen during therapy too. We can put a plan together to go slow and keep you grounded through trauma processing.
Do I have to talk about my trauma in therapy?
No! You do not need to share every detail of what happened to benefit from therapy.
I am trained in some specialized techniques like Flash (a kind of EMDR), Deep Brain Reorienting, and somatic IFS, which can successfully resolve trauma without ever having to tell me what happened.
It makes sense to worry that trauma therapy might mean retelling painful experiences over and over again. While I want to understand you and your history, I don’t want you to have to relive anything, or go into that intellectualizing mode where you “recap” the story in the same way you always do.
You are never expected to share more than feels safe. Also, you can tell me anything, and it won’t be too much for me.
What if I am in crisis right now?
If you are having thoughts of suicide or a huge emotional reaction that you are not sure how to respond to, call one of the numbers below. You can also call if you have a loved one who you think needs help, but aren’t sure what to do. Here are some options:
- Brite Line 1-844-702-7483. Edmonton’s LGBTQ+ mental health and wellness helpline, available 24/7. Answered by trained LGBTQ+ volunteers and allies. If a staff member is not available to answer, your call will be directed to the Edmonton Distress Line, 211 or 988 dependent on your needs.
- Distress Line: 780-482-4357. Trained volunteers respond to individuals needing emotional support, information, and/or referrals. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others.
- Alberta’s One Line for Sexual Violence: 1-866-403-8000. Talk, text, and chat service that provides emotional support, information, and referral to anyone who has experienced or been impacted by sexual violence. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others. Available 9am-9pm.
- Access 24/7: 780-424-2424. Run by Alberta Health Services, available 24/7. A central hub for urgent services and centralized intake for all AHS-funded mental health services. Available to concerned friends and family. Interactions with Access 24-7 appear on your health record. Collaborates with police if there is concern that a person requires hospitalization due to high, imminent risk to self or others.
Begin when you are ready.
A free 20-minute consultation is a chance to ask questions and see if we’re a fit. No pressure and no commitment.