Understanding High-Conflict Relationships
Are you having the same argument over and over again, but about different things? Maybe one of you wants more closeness while the other needs more space, and you feel unseen, unheard, or constantly misunderstood, despite trying your best to explain yourself. When things are good, you wonder how you ever got so upset before, but then suddenly you’re shutting down, criticizing, withdrawing, or walking on eggshells all over again.
Two good people can get stuck in a bad cycle. I can help you get out of it.
What causes high conflict cycles?
Whether you fight all the time, go through big highs and lows, or always get stuck in processing mode, there’s a reason.
Stress, trauma, attachment wounds, parenting pressures, financial strain, communication difficulties, life transitions, and differences in needs or values can all contribute to conflict. I have seen partners get stuck in a cycle, again and again, where the more they try to protect themselves or get their needs met, the more disconnected they feel from each other.
One partner might look for reassurance by criticising, or always bringing up relationship conversations, while the other one copes by withdrawing, shutting down, and avoiding conflict. Neither person is trying to create distance! But both end up feeling hurt, misunderstood, and alone.
The good news is that high conflict does not necessarily mean unhealthy or doomed. Conflict is a sign that important needs, fears, and emotions need to be addressed!
Relationship therapy can help you understand the cycle you’re caught in, get you feeling safe, and bring your connection somewhere solid, deep, and real.
How I work with relationships.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT)
RLT is a direct, practical approach to relationship that emphasizes accountability, relational skills, and working with the patterns that keep people stuck. With this approach, we can get to the root of your relationship problem quickly, often in the fist couple sessions. I love this model because it doesn’t let couple therapy drag on and on without resolution.
RLT has three stages: wake up (direct but loving “care-frontation” about unhealthy and harmful relationship behaviours), healing trauma (so that you can actually feel safe in relationship), and lifelong skills (how to work through conflict, nurture connection, and sustain intimacy for the long term).
I love this model because it works fast, has an explicit social justice lens, and isn’t afraid to take sides when relationships become (inevitably) impacted by racism, patriarchy, and oppressive cultural forces.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT is one of the most-researched couples therapies in the world, with around 70–75% of distressed couples moving to recovery and around 90% showing significant improvement. EFT is rooted in attachment theory, which proposes that adult romantic relationships function (tragically) in the same part of our brain as early caregiving bonds. EFT believes that distress in romantic bonds is a primal experience.
EFT is structured in three stages: de-escalation (mapping and softening the cycle), restructuring (helping partners ask for and receive each other in new ways), and consolidation (making the new patterns stick).
Attachment theory
Attachment isn’t pop psychology, although you might have seen something about it if you’re on the therapy side of Instagram. It’s a developmental science that explains why being close to your partner feels like the most important and most threatening thing in your life. I look at each partner’s attachment history (without blaming your parents necessarily) and how those templates are showing up in your relationship now.
Trauma therapy integrations
Since I am trained in many trauma-informed modalities, you have the option to incorporate nature therapy, EMDR, IFS, expressive arts, and inner child work as you move through your relationship therapy.
• How relationship therapy works •
The basics of what to expect.
1. Free consultation
A 20-minute video call. We talk about who y’all are, what you’re looking for in relationship therapy, and answer your questions.
2. Intake session
An extended session (preferably 75 minutes) to map your current challenges, relational recovery goals, and what safety looks like for each of you.
3. Mapping your pattern
This is where each person in the relationship locks into the process. You’ve seen your part of the dance, and you want to change it.
4. Individual sessions
I talk to each of you one-on-one to take your attachment history, and talk to you about what it’s like for you in the relationship, including those things you might not feel comfortable saying in front of the other person just yet!
5. Trauma work
You can’t use communication skills hacks if your prefrontal cortex is triggered and offline. This essential phase of relationship treatment gives you the opportunity to heal in relationship, and witness your partner resolve the past hurts that contribute to their behaviour.
6. Relational skills
In our current culture, we can’t assume that just because someone has healed from their trauma that they will have the skills to be in relationship well. Many of us have never been taught or given the opportunity to be relational. That’s why the last phase of relationship therapy is skills!
Frequently asked questions.
What kinds of issues can we work on in relationship therapy?
An incomplete list of reasons why would might need relationship therapy right now:
- Escalating arguments: fights that go 0 to 60 and end terribly
- Communication breakdowns: an important conversation you’ve been avoiding
- Attachment wounds: one of you chases, one shuts down, both of you feel alone
- Betrayal and trust repair: emotional affairs, sexual affairs, financial betrayal, broken agreements
- Infidelity recovery: stabilization, processing, deciding, rebuilding (or completing) consciously
- Sexual disconnection: desire discrepancy, post-trauma intimacy, identity shifts
- Parenting tension: different styles, blended families, neurodivergent kids
- Co-parenting after separation: taking your kids side
- Major life transitions: pregnancy and postpartum, illness, retirement, immigration
- Discernment: figuring out if staying in the relationship is the right move for you, with honesty
- Resentment and emotional distance: living more like roommates than partners
- Financial stress: spending, saving, debt, unequal contributions, and financial transparency
- Unequal mental load: one partner carrying most of the planning, caregiving, or emotional labour
- Boundaries with family: in-laws, extended family conflict, loyalty binds, and cultural expectations
- Neurodivergent relationships: navigating ADHD, autism, sensory differences, and communication mismatches
- Polyamory and non-monogamy: jealousy, attachment, agreements, NRE, and relationship structure decisions
- Identity and life changes: career shifts, faith transitions, gender exploration, coming out, or changing values
- Rebuilding friendship: reconnecting after years of stress, conflict, or emotional neglect
- Loneliness in the relationship: feeling unseen, unwanted, or emotionally abandoned despite being together
- Grief and loss: supporting each other through death, infertility, miscarriage, health challenges, or major disappointments
- Relationship burnout: when you’ve tried everything you know and feel exhausted, hopeless, or stuck
What if we are queer, neurodivergent, kinky, and polyamorous?
Couple therapy as a field was built around cis/het, neurotypical, monogamous norms. Mine isn’t. I work with same-gender and queer couples, trans and nonbinary partners, neurodivergent couples (often where one or both are autistic, ADHD, auDHD), and polyamorous and ENM couples, triads, and polycules every day.
You won’t spend sessions explaining your relationship structure or your gender (to me, at least). I’ll bring evidence-based models of relationship therapy and adapt them to the actual shape of your life.
Relationship therapy doesn’t need to be for two people. For poly folks: three, four, or more people are welcome to participate in sessions. I’ll make you a unique, customised treatment plan that can hold everyone’s needs.
Talking about sex (and asexuality) is welcome. Talking about kink is welcome.
What if only one of us wants to come?
We cannot force your partner to come to therapy, but working on attachment, trauma work, and relational skills will help you regardless.
We can do individual relational work to clarify what you want and how you’re showing up.
Do you work with infidelity?
Yes. Affair recovery is a specific kind of work. We have to stabilize, then process the betrayal (for as long as it takes). Then you can decide together whether and how to rebuild. There’s no rushed forgiveness.
How long is a session?
I like sessions with high-conflict couples to be 75 minutes. I recommend that all couples book 75 minutes for their first intake session, and then we can decide whether 55 or 75 minute sessions make sense moving forward.
Will you take sides?
Honestly, maybe. But that doesn’t mean I think either of you are bad people. Some people hold more power in relationships than their partners do… and in the way that I go about relationship therapy, the goal is true relationality and deep intimacy. For that to happen, the person holding grandiosity or power will need to be motivated to “step down” (and the person in the other position will need to be empowered to “step up”)! This is what changes the pattern, and how you use relationship therapy to combat patriarchy, racism, and other abuses of power.
That being said, most relationships don’t have a blatant imbalance of power, and I have been told that I have a superpower for not taking sides in your average high-conflict pairing!
What if we are separated or coparenting?
Yes. Co-parenting work after separation is a great reason to come in for relationship support. We can work on communication that protects the kids and on grieving what didn’t work without it spilling onto them.
What if one of us has trauma?
Trauma in one or both partners is the rule, not the exception, in high-conflict dynamics. I hold that with care.
However, if extreme triggers or dissociation block your ability to hear, understand, or have empathy for your partner, we might have to deal with that first before any intimacy oriented work can truly begin.
Sometimes individual trauma work runs alongside the couples work. Sometimes I will give you referrals to groups or programs to attend to help you show up with more presence in the couple sessions. Whatever the situation, we can adapt the therapy to your needs as a couple.
When is couples therapy NOT appropriate?
A few things that can be a big barrier in couple therapy:
- Active intimate partner violence is the main contraindication. If there is ongoing physical violence, threats, or coercive control, we will usually need a different setup that prioritizes safety.
- One or more partners has an active, ongoing addiction that gets in the way of being present in session or sabotages relational skills at home.
- Major untreated psychiatric conditions that, again, get in the way of your ability to be present or empathize with your partner or sabotage relational skills.
- Active cheating, affairs, or sexually acting out, outside the agreements of the relationship.
If any of these describes you, let me know during intake and we can set up a plan that can address these preconditions before we launch into intimacy work.
What if I am in crisis right now?
If you are having thoughts of suicide or a huge emotional reaction that you are not sure how to respond to, call one of the numbers below. You can also call if you have a loved one who you think needs help, but aren’t sure what to do. Here are some options:
- Brite Line 1-844-702-7483. Edmonton’s LGBTQ+ mental health and wellness helpline, available 24/7. Answered by trained LGBTQ+ volunteers and allies. If a staff member is not available to answer, your call will be directed to the Edmonton Distress Line, 211 or 988 dependent on your needs.
- Distress Line: 780-482-4357. Trained volunteers respond to individuals needing emotional support, information, and/or referrals. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others.
- Alberta’s One Line for Sexual Violence: 1-866-403-8000. Talk, text, and chat service that provides emotional support, information, and referral to anyone who has experienced or been impacted by sexual violence. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others. Available 9am-9pm.
- Access 24/7: 780-424-2424. Run by Alberta Health Services, available 24/7. A central hub for urgent services and centralized intake for all AHS-funded mental health services. Available to concerned friends and family. Interactions with Access 24-7 appear on your health record. Collaborates with police if there is concern that a person requires hospitalization due to high, imminent risk to self or others.
Begin when you are ready.
A free 20-minute consultation is a chance to ask questions and see if we’re a fit. No pressure and no commitment.