Understanding Relational Life Therapy
RLT is a powerful approach to couples counselling (developed by Terry Real) that helps partners move beyond blame, defensiveness, and power struggles. This therapy centers the fact that healthy relationships require both connection and accountability: the ability to be loving while also being honest about what isn’t working.
“Relational life” happens when people identify the patterns keeping them stuck and develop new ways of relating that are more respectful, intimate, and effective.
Sessions are active, practical, and focused on creating meaningful change both inside and outside the therapy room.
Relational Life Therapy can be especially helpful for high-conflict couples, chronic resentment, communication difficulties, trust issues, intimacy concerns, and relationships that feel caught in the same arguments over and over again. By the end you’ll find themselves feeling more connected, more empowered, and better equipped to build the relationship they truly want.
What is RLT?
RLT can be helpful for any relationship that needs to change:
- High-conflict relationships
- Constant arguing
- Emotional disconnection
- Trust repair after betrayal or infidelity
- Chronic resentment
- Parenting disagreements
- Intimacy and sexuality
- Differences in values or life goals
- Boundary difficulties
- Power imbalances
- Life transitions
- Polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous relationships
Or maybe you hear yourself saying:
- “We keep having the same fight.”
- “I don’t feel heard.”
- “I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.”
- “I don’t know how to ask for what I need.”
- “We’ve grown apart.”
What RLT feels like:
Relational Life Therapy is a focused 3-phase treatment for relationships meant to address the specific problems that are presenting themselves, heal trauma, and teach relational skills for a better life.
Phase One begins with a process called “The 8 Lenses” where we systematically run your relationship through a series of questions and exercises that get to the heart of your problem. This can take 1-3 sessions, and sometimes involves solo sessions with each person to get the full picture. By the end of Phase One, we have a sharp, locked in plan on how to transform your relationship.
Phase Two is about trauma processing. This is one way that RLT is different from some other relationship therapy methods. Not only do you process trauma together as a relationship (instead of keeping it hidden inside of individual therapy), but you do this step before learning things like communication skills and relational behaviours. Why? Because you can’t do skills when you’re triggered or fully overcome by the “whoosh” in the moment. Trauma processing brings the prefrontal cortex back online so that you can actually practice the skills you learn.
Phase Three is where you learn relational life skills that can help you show up in your relationships in the courageous, intimate, honest, and caring ways you know you are capable of.
How RLT works:
Relational Life Therapy uses neuroplasticity to your advantage. Being able to see, with stark clarity, exactly what is happening in your relationship and why is extremely motivating when it comes to relational change.
RLT also brings in the lenses of feminism, antiracism, and anti-oppression to support true equity and equality in relationships: this means that, sometimes, RLT takes sides. However, RLT is never about “winning”. It’s about supporting all people involved to come into a healthy way of relating that is not powered grandiosity, shame, contempt, or collapse.
My approach to RLT:
I use RLT in a way that is collaborative and trauma-informed.
This includes:
- Prioritizing safety and stabilization of complex trauma
- Helping each partner understand their contribution to the cycle
- Supporting healthier boundaries and communication while using modified forms of relationship skill exercises that are built for attachment ruptures and complex trauma
- Working at a pace your nervous system can tolerate
- Integrating somatic awareness and grounding skills
- Drawing on parts work (IFS), EMDR, expressive arts, and somatics during Phase Two
- Supporting emotional processing without overwhelm or dissociation
- Honouring diverse relationship structures, including LGBTQIA+, polyamorous, and ethically non-monogamous relationships
What change can look like:
People often begin RLT feeling:
- Stuck in recurring arguments
- Emotionally disconnected
- Defensive or resentful
- Afraid to be honest
- Exhausted from trying to make things work
- Unsure whether change is even possible
Over time, many notice:
- More honest and respectful communication
- Stronger boundaries
- Less blame and defensiveness
- Greater emotional intimacy
- More effective conflict repair
- Increased trust and teamwork
- A relationship that feels safer, more resilient, and more fulfilling
Is RLT right for us?
Relational Life Therapy may be a good fit for you if:
- You keep having the same arguments
- Communication feels stuck or hostile
- You struggle with boundaries or resentment
- You want practical tools as well as emotional intimacy
- You want a therapy that is bold, works fast, and incorporates a feminist, anti-oppressive lens on every relationship
You don’t have to be on the brink of separation to benefit from couple’s counselling. Many people come to therapy because they want a good relationship to become a great one.
Getting Started.
Every relationship develops patterns, and the work of understanding and reworking them is one of the most transformative things you can do.
Relational Life Therapy offers a practical, compassionate way to understand your patterns, strengthen your relationship, and build the kind of intimate partnership you want to come home to.
If you need something to change in your relationship, you are welcome to book a free 20 minute consultation call with me with no obligations attached.
It's possible for things to change.
I have seen relationships transform themselves over and over again, even when they have been stuck for years. If you want more safety, intimacy, boundaries, or excitement in your relationship, you are welcome in my office!
• How relationship therapy works •
The basics of what to expect.
1. Free Consult
A 20-minute video call about your relationship, what you’re looking for, and answer every question you have.
2. Intake
An extended 75-minute session to map map your relationship through the 8 lenses.
3. Treatment
Weekly or biweekly sessions following your unique treatment plan for relational work.
4. Reassess
We check in regularly about how your relationship is changing, and modify direction if needed.
Frequently asked questions.
What kinds of issues can we work on in relationship therapy?
An incomplete list of reasons why would might need relationship therapy right now:
- Escalating arguments: fights that go 0 to 60 and end terribly
- Communication breakdowns: an important conversation you’ve been avoiding
- Attachment wounds: one of you chases, one shuts down, both of you feel alone
- Betrayal and trust repair: emotional affairs, sexual affairs, financial betrayal, broken agreements
- Infidelity recovery: stabilization, processing, deciding, rebuilding (or completing) consciously
- Sexual disconnection: desire discrepancy, post-trauma intimacy, identity shifts
- Parenting tension: different styles, blended families, neurodivergent kids
- Co-parenting after separation: taking your kids side
- Major life transitions: pregnancy and postpartum, illness, retirement, immigration
- Discernment: figuring out if staying in the relationship is the right move for you, with honesty
- Resentment and emotional distance: living more like roommates than partners
- Financial stress: spending, saving, debt, unequal contributions, and financial transparency
- Unequal mental load: one partner carrying most of the planning, caregiving, or emotional labour
- Boundaries with family: in-laws, extended family conflict, loyalty binds, and cultural expectations
- Neurodivergent relationships: navigating ADHD, autism, sensory differences, and communication mismatches
- Polyamory and non-monogamy: jealousy, attachment, agreements, NRE, and relationship structure decisions
- Identity and life changes: career shifts, faith transitions, gender exploration, coming out, or changing values
- Rebuilding friendship: reconnecting after years of stress, conflict, or emotional neglect
- Loneliness in the relationship: feeling unseen, unwanted, or emotionally abandoned despite being together
- Grief and loss: supporting each other through death, infertility, miscarriage, health challenges, or major disappointments
- Relationship burnout: when you’ve tried everything you know and feel exhausted, hopeless, or stuck
What if we are queer, neurodivergent, kinky, and polyamorous?
Couple therapy as a field was built around cis/het, neurotypical, monogamous norms. Mine isn’t. I work with same-gender and queer couples, trans and nonbinary partners, neurodivergent couples (often where one or both are autistic, ADHD, auDHD), and polyamorous and ENM couples, triads, and polycules every day.
You won’t spend sessions explaining your relationship structure or your gender (to me, at least). I’ll bring evidence-based models of relationship therapy and adapt them to the actual shape of your life.
Relationship therapy doesn’t need to be for two people. For poly folks: three, four, or more people are welcome to participate in sessions. I’ll make you a unique, customised treatment plan that can hold everyone’s needs.
Talking about sex (and asexuality) is welcome. Talking about kink is welcome.
What if only one of us wants to come?
We cannot force your partner to come to therapy, but working on attachment, trauma work, and relational skills will help you regardless.
We can do individual relational work to clarify what you want and how you’re showing up.
Do you work with infidelity?
Yes. Affair recovery is a specific kind of work. We have to stabilize, then process the betrayal (for as long as it takes). Then you can decide together whether and how to rebuild. There’s no rushed forgiveness.
How long is a session?
I like sessions with high-conflict couples to be 75 minutes. I recommend that all couples book 75 minutes for their first intake session, and then we can decide whether 55 or 75 minute sessions make sense moving forward.
Will you take sides?
Honestly, maybe. But that doesn’t mean I think either of you are bad people. Some people hold more power in relationships than their partners do… and in the way that I go about relationship therapy, the goal is true relationality and deep intimacy. For that to happen, the person holding grandiosity or power will need to be motivated to “step down” to an equal playing field (and the person in the other position will need to be empowered to “step up”)! This is what changes the pattern, and how you use relationship therapy to combat patriarchy, racism, and other abuses of power.
That being said, most relationships don’t have a blatant imbalance of power, and I have been told that I have a superpower for not taking sides in your average high-conflict pairing!
What if we are separated or coparenting?
Yes. Co-parenting work after separation is a great reason to come in for relationship support. We can work on communication that protects the kids and on grieving what didn’t work without it spilling onto them.
What if one of us has trauma?
Trauma in one or both partners is the rule, not the exception, in high-conflict dynamics. I hold that with care.
However, if extreme triggers or dissociation block your ability to hear, understand, or have empathy for your partner, we might have to deal with that first before any intimacy oriented work can truly begin.
Sometimes individual trauma work runs alongside the couples work. Sometimes I will give you referrals to groups or programs to attend to help you show up with more presence in the couple sessions. Whatever the situation, we can adapt the therapy to your needs as a couple.
When is couples therapy NOT appropriate?
A few things that can be a big barrier in couple therapy:
- Active intimate partner violence is the main contraindication. If there is ongoing physical violence, threats, or coercive control, we will usually need a different setup that prioritizes safety.
- One or more partners has an active, ongoing addiction that gets in the way of being present in session or sabotages relational skills at home.
- Major untreated psychiatric conditions that, again, get in the way of your ability to be present or empathize with your partner or sabotage relational skills.
- Active cheating, affairs, or sexually acting out, outside the agreements of the relationship.
If any of these describes you, let me know during intake and we can set up a plan that can address these preconditions before we launch into intimacy work.
What if I am in crisis right now?
If you are having thoughts of suicide or a huge emotional reaction that you are not sure how to respond to, call one of the numbers below. You can also call if you have a loved one who you think needs help, but aren’t sure what to do. Here are some options:
- Brite Line 1-844-702-7483. Edmonton’s LGBTQ+ mental health and wellness helpline, available 24/7. Answered by trained LGBTQ+ volunteers and allies. If a staff member is not available to answer, your call will be directed to the Edmonton Distress Line, 211 or 988 dependent on your needs.
- Distress Line: 780-482-4357. Trained volunteers respond to individuals needing emotional support, information, and/or referrals. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others.
- Alberta’s One Line for Sexual Violence: 1-866-403-8000. Talk, text, and chat service that provides emotional support, information, and referral to anyone who has experienced or been impacted by sexual violence. Uses call tracing and will call 911 and/or police if caller is at high risk to imminently harm self or others. Available 9am-9pm.
- Access 24/7: 780-424-2424. Run by Alberta Health Services, available 24/7. A central hub for urgent services and centralized intake for all AHS-funded mental health services. Available to concerned friends and family. Interactions with Access 24-7 appear on your health record. Collaborates with police if there is concern that a person requires hospitalization due to high, imminent risk to self or others.
Begin when you are ready.
A free 20-minute consultation is a chance to ask questions and see if we’re a fit. No pressure and no commitment.